While a lot of us dream and plan our wedding day with Mr Right, I was probably one of the few who used to dream about being a mum. From as far as I remember, the one game I played over and over again with my younger sibling and cousin sisters was pretending to be their mum. I loved the idea of being in charge and taking care of them, to love them and protect them.
I always dreamed of what sort of parent I would be, I didn’t know much but I knew that I would love being a mum.
One day when I was 17 years old, I was admitted in the hospital. I had a severe pain on my back and felt extremely cold. A nurse called my name and checked my vitals and asked the reason for my visit. After explaining to her what I had been feeling, I was told to do a urine test.
Shortly after a doctor called me in, she asked me a few questions and checked my abdomen, she said I had urine infection so she prescribed me with some antibiotics. I went back home and felt better but couple of weeks later, I had to rush back to the emergency room again. The same procedure applied but this time I remember going through the doors and turning left and down the hall to a room where a young doctor, tall, brown hair, slim built sat me down and asked me if I wanted someone to be with while he discussed the results of my tests but that wasn’t the option for me because I was alone. He told me that during my scans, they found something in my ovary which meant that I will probably never be able to conceive and should I be successful, it will be a very difficult pregnancy. He went on about the treatments and how to deal with it but I don’t remember much. I just felt that something had literally been snatched away from me and a huge hole was left. I was in such a shock and in a lot of pain that I didn’t cry or was I able to express what I had been feeling.
Days went by and I never spoke about it to my family nor my friends and eventually I had just suppressed it so well that even I became numb to it and carried on with studies and work. I refocused my dreams onto being successful and slowly replaced my dream of being a mother to be only a strong career driven woman.
In the pursuit of my career, I found my husband (I am actually smiling at this memory while I am blogging), we fell in love – the moment he grabbed my hand to take me into a shoe shop (shoes were a thing for me), I just knew he was the man of my dreams and I would marry him. I kid you not, that touch made me feel like a child again – fearless and excited. For him, I left my career, home, family and friends in the UK and together we settled down in Botswana. It was that touch that literally gave me a new life and faith.
Soon after we got married, we consulted with a local doctor who diagnosed me with PCOS. It was a relief to know that there has been successful pregnancies with PCOS so I was hopeful again. Couple of years later when my husband and I decided to try for a baby, we saw another doctor. She said that I will need medication to induce ovulation and hopefully we should have a successful pregnancy.
Unfortunately we couldn’t find the medication locally and I had to take a generic one. While the pregnancy test came positive and we were so excited, the pregnancy ended as a miscarriage. This broke me much deeper than the diagnosis I received during my teen years. It was like reliving it all, except this time my baby was literally taken away from me. My doctor couldn’t give me any reasons of why I had a miscarriage but my faith healed me and made me stronger.
A couple of months later, we got a positive pregnancy test which stayed positive to term. It was one of the greatest joy when I finally held my first born in my arms. She’s five years old right now and my blessings doubled when we had our second daughter who is 3 years old now. Each day when I look at them, I feel beyond blessed.
Being a mother has taught me so much about myself, about being selfless, being patient, being in control, a whole new level of love and so much more. Being a mother is not a job but I consider my children as my success, each sacrifice that I have made and through the battles that I have had to overcome, my reward is in seeing happiness and love through the innocent eyes.
